Charles Oakley waxed poetic about a dear old friend, Sir Charles Barkley, in a recent radio interview. He recalled grander times, when both men were in an NBA fugue of toughness, grappling for respect. Of Charles he said:
Barkley for his size was a good player but he's a coward, though. ... He wasn't a leader and wasn't a role model. Now he talks so bad about younger guys, I don't respect that from him. … He wants to be funny, that whole TNT thing and all that, they're like some clowns on that show.
And of Kendrick Perkins, Oakley had this to assert:
If Kendrick Perkins would play basketball, Oklahoma City would win a championship the next three or four years. … You're a power forward, you don't let guys dunk on you. I played 18, 19 years I got dunked on three times ...
Charles Oakley, in 18 years of playing professional basketball as a starting power forward, got dunked on a mere three times. He was a man of many accomplishments, the most unique of which are too often overlooked.
TFPP has compiled a list, at Mr. Oakley's request, of his other lesser known accolades, all nearly comparable.
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE - NBA UNVEILS EXPANSION SQUAD TO BEAT HEAT
FEBRUARY 24, 2011 - NEW YORK CITY
ON THE HEELS OF the Miami Heat torching the league with an uncommonly brilliant start, Commissioner David Stern has announced the arrival of a team specifically constructed to beat them. Since no actual basketball players can outrun, outscore or outplay LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, the league office was forced to enlist the help of fictional characters in order to assure balance in the Association for the next decade.
Michael Jordan's expertise was indispensable in drafting the perfect termination squad. Having spent hundreds and thousands of games playing against villains big and tall, Jordan selected the Monstars of Space Jam fame because of the potent match-up difficulties these 11-foot-8-inch behemoths would present to their NBA opponents. The Monstars will suit up for the expansion Santa Fe New Mexicans, who are owned by Warner Brothers Family Entertainment. LeBron James, like his legendary counterparts, tends to have trouble against all manner of fiend, whether it's fire-spewing dragons, vicious hell hounds or bedroom-haunting bogeymen.
Jeremy Lin is unprecedented. So a lot of stiff, uninspired, shiftless wordsmiths have been trying to apply our limited language to his seemingly limitless feats. Where two weeks ago, the Knicks were a listless squad, roaming the wilds of Herald Square in search of assist skeletons, the flesh of teamwork, Lin has suddenly transformed them into missionaries of Clyde-era fluidity, grooving and hugging their way to seven wins in nine games. But there's no nickname for He Who Uplifts the Masses. The Four Point Play got a rare invitation to join TNT's Inside the NBA cast for a live taping as they conferred a fitting alias on to, one, Jeremy.
As I approached their glowing quartz desktop, I spotted Ernie Johnson reviewing notes from a shot sheet filled with Andrew Weil quotations. He shuffled the papers in their anchor-ly order, before tapping the stack, looking over at Charles Barkley's donut-sugared paws, and wincing. Kenny Smith and Shaquille O'Neal were trying to see how many of their crumpled notes they could throw into a trash can at one time. Kenny set the bar with 3 in one shot, while Shaq struggled to locate the can itself. Some producer kept urging him to try it underhand, but to no avail. Jeremy Lin was in their green room, stage left, reading Augustine's Confessions by a lit candle that was draped in beads. I was stunned to see him, and dashed away though he was beckoning me thither, awash in luster.
Chris Paul, despite his bullish personality, is a likable figure on this Clippers platoon. He sets the landmines, wires the dynamite and explodes into truculent lectures when team demands go unmet. He is the cliché floor general, but never has his mission been so clear, his weapons so potent. Essentially, Chris Paul, Blake Griffin, and DeAndre Jordan aim to change the way basketball is played from the pro level down. Much of TFPP philosophies, the scrolls handed down from visionaries and then inscribed on the gums of Kevin Durant, are an attempt to predict where basketball will be in ten years. When will point values change to meet the growing relevance of long high-value shots like the three pointer? (1, 2, 3 and 4-point lines) When will passes that precede assists be measured in the game tally? Charges taken? Possession swings that result in 8 point fluctuations? The Clippers, famously cheap as a franchise, will always challenge conventions in the name of squeezing production out of an inexpensive roster. And with the NBA pressed to protect its lowly and/or thrifty owners from its profligate spenders and/or maniacs, the cheapos, at their best, get creative about roster building. Perhaps the Clips would have liked to keep sharpshooter Eric Gordon, or even defensive (slow) scorer Chris Kaman, but the opportunity to swipe Chris Paul from the Hornets, with an optional buy-in after trial season, was undeniable. Mainly, the Lob City Experiment is an innovator's brainchild. Donald Sterling thought critically about the trends in basketball, and how to get a season turnaround in an abbreviated time, while still paying pennies on the dollar for his second bona fide star in Blake Griffin.
These Knicks. First, fabulous names. Really United Nations-y of them to assemble a Carmelo, an Amare, a Landry, a Renaldo, an Iman and put them alongside a Bill, a Toney, a Steve, a Mike, and a Josh. It howls multiculti. We've created a safe space for enigmatic poets, Bradyesque icons of cool and Ivy League workmen. Lost in that sauce? A semblance of defense, the remaining ingenuity of Mike D'Antoni, Carmelo's confidence/arrogance, chemistry, heart, effort...you know, small details.
But as far as vanity teams go, James Dolan has finally composed his masterpiece. The 2012 Knicks may only rival last year's perennially dysfunctional Lakers and the 2005-6 Miami Heat and Dallas Maverick squads, whose stars had to roll with Antoine Walker's prudence, Ron Artest's cleverness and Kobe Bryant's patience. This version of reluctant team play and star-tending produces a joy I'm certain could only be replicated with a new time and temperature at Ye Olde Garden. The ingredients for a tumultuous (but not necessarily successful) vanity outfit:
- An Offensive EgoManiac
- An Overpaid (Misunderstood) Defensive Anchor
- A Delusional Bench Weirdo
- Undeserved Championship Favoritism
- Aging Guru Coach
Which brings us to...ball so hard, this sh*t weird/we ain' e'en po be here" the hauntingly eloquent and fitting Hov lyrics that describe the position of the current Knix team. They ain't po be here, by any stretch of the imagination, not in the conversation of title contenders, or even dark horse long shots.
What better way to transfer the Rucker Park tradition of naming a player by his tendencies than to give the NBA's lesser-knowns the royal treatment. Typically, aliases come from on-court specialties or demeanor. But all the coolest nicknames come from qualities that could never be expressed in a basketball game alone. Rather than rewarding only star players whose signature moves easily birth an AKA, we, The Four Point Play, convene to issue names for the overlooked, underpaid players who make the league a wonderful place. Word to Kevin Love.
Rookie Gordon Hayward wishes he could leave the Draconian Jerry Sloan regime. Since his days at Butler, he's been pigeonholed as systematic, and that's the problem. What happened to just playing for fun, he wonders. The spirit of Spicoli is strong in him.
In honor of Ron Artest saying this about Javale McGee:
"He potentially could be a really good player," Artest said. "I think he got to go to school a little bit more. He's got to work on that IQ a little bit. He got to watch more tape. I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games. I do. I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games and I think he could possibly have an Atari. He should upgrade to a Play Station."
Atari? He's that out of date?
"Possibly Atari," Artest said. "He could potentially become a force, if, if he wants to. But if he doesn't, he can continue to play Atari."
It's about time for TFPP to give a shoutout to the multi-faceted but somehow awful players who, needless to say, share an affinity for the cannabis herb. Now, this is no NORML campaign, but the editors must admit to a liberal stance on the subject of what differentiates "legal" and "illegal" drugs. Be that as it may, the casual NBA player (emphasis on casual) may also be prone to other recreational pursuits that hinder overall development, and leave fans waiting for the spaceship that never lands. Mainly, the gents lighting up the pink eyed monster in between contests make for a confusing follow.
Some of these players have had an awakening like Bradd Pitt in True Romance, picking up their droopy lids for long enough to put a consistent season together. While their counterparts continue to crash and fizzle like the ashes of their Swisher Sweets, Bill Walker, Brandon Rush, Michael Beasley, Wilson Chandler, Shawne Williams, Dorrell Wright, Zach Randolph, Joakim Noah, Vlad Radmanovic (DJ Vlad to you), Mario Chalmers, Brad Miller and Udonis Haslem have put down the leaf and papers for more ambitious aims. The NBA has a contentious relationship with these young men, but dreadful marijuana hasn't quite ended their careers...instead it's sent them on a meandering path to middle-dom. That said, not every player is suited for stardom, and it isn't far-fetched that yeoman icons like Haslem, Chandler and Noah might want to ease the enduring pain of a long season with a prayer circle and some lit incense. Although few players with known smoking patterns are enshrined in the Hall of Fame, the admitted potheads populate a list of Best Ever nominees, namely Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Walton and Phil Jackson. They occupy a special wing of the Springfield Hall called How Harmful Can It Be, or the honorary Eastern Philosophy Wing.
Nevertheless, regular toking is not recommended for the professional athlete, much less the basketball superstar. Although the plays are simple, basketball requires a great memory, free from the fog of evening cartoon-watching. Practice starts bright and early with no special exception for the wake and bake rituals that may precede it (J.R., ahem). Recreational activities don't necessarily mix with professional obligations so I have gladly created an NBA Player to Puff Weed Intake chart. This is a guide for first-to-veteran year players who need moderation exemplified.
