FEBRUARY 24, 2011 - NEW YORK CITY
ON THE HEELS OF the Miami Heat torching the league with an uncommonly brilliant start, Commissioner David Stern has announced the arrival of a team specifically constructed to beat them. Since no actual basketball players can outrun, outscore or outplay LeBron James, Dwyane Wade and Chris Bosh, the league office was forced to enlist the help of fictional characters in order to assure balance in the Association for the next decade.
Michael Jordan's expertise was indispensable in drafting the perfect termination squad. Having spent hundreds and thousands of games playing against villains big and tall, Jordan selected the Monstars of Space Jam fame because of the potent match-up difficulties these 11-foot-8-inch behemoths would present to their NBA opponents. The Monstars will suit up for the expansion Santa Fe New Mexicans, who are owned by Warner Brothers Family Entertainment. LeBron James, like his legendary counterparts, tends to have trouble against all manner of fiend, whether it's fire-spewing dragons, vicious hell hounds or bedroom-haunting bogeymen.
But beyond their spooky qualities, the Monstars have terrorized every professional and semi-pro league for cartoon characters since 1996. After a banishment from Japan's SML (Sea Monster League), other national associations are hesitant to endorse their foul-laden, dunk-happy style of play. But it has certainly yielded results. Monstar Bupkus, the team's leading scorer has a 62 PPG career average on 95% shooting. Their defensive prowess is also comparable to the 2011-2012 Miami Heat, with the two key differences being that the Monstars have still not allowed a field goal or a trip to the free throw line in 182 games of international competition.
In order to fill the roster at Santa Fe on short notice, the Commissioner has offered a salary exception to any team who is willing to donate its lowest performing players to complete the New Mexicans' 11-man roster. So far, seven teams have anted up players, including one team, the New York Knicks, who have promised Toney Douglas and Bill Walker as a package dump. The New Jersey Nets hope to beat that offer by giving over Shelden Williams, widely known as the Least Valuable Player in the NBA. Williams couldn't be reached for comment, but wife and two-time WNBA MVP Candace Parker, assures the press that he is "excited for the opportunity."
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