The Four Point Play: The NBA Nomenclature Edition

What better way to transfer the Rucker Park tradition of naming a player by his tendencies than to give the NBA's lesser-knowns the royal treatment. Typically, aliases come from on-court specialties or demeanor. But all the coolest nicknames come from qualities that could never be expressed in a basketball game alone. Rather than rewarding only star players whose signature moves easily birth an AKA, we, The Four Point Play, convene to issue names for the overlooked, underpaid players who make the league a wonderful place. Word to Kevin Love.

Rookie Gordon Hayward wishes he could leave the Draconian Jerry Sloan regime. Since his days at Butler, he's been pigeonholed as systematic, and that's the problem. What happened to just playing for fun, he wonders. The spirit of Spicoli is strong in him.

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew and the NBA

In honor of Ron Artest saying this about Javale McGee:

"He potentially could be a really good player," Artest said. "I think he got to go to school a little bit more. He's got to work on that IQ a little bit. He got to watch more tape. I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games. I do. I don't think he watches tape. I think he plays video games and I think he could possibly have an Atari. He should upgrade to a Play Station."

Atari? He's that out of date?

"Possibly Atari," Artest said. "He could potentially become a force, if, if he wants to. But if he doesn't, he can continue to play Atari."

It's about time for TFPP to give a shoutout to the multi-faceted but somehow awful players who, needless to say, share an affinity for the cannabis herb. Now, this is no NORML campaign, but the editors must admit to a liberal stance on the subject of what differentiates "legal" and "illegal" drugs. Be that as it may, the casual NBA player (emphasis on casual) may also be prone to other recreational pursuits that hinder overall development, and leave fans waiting for the spaceship that never lands. Mainly, the gents lighting up the pink eyed monster in between contests make for a confusing follow.

Some of these players have had an awakening like Bradd Pitt in True Romance, picking up their droopy lids for long enough to put a consistent season together. While their counterparts continue to crash and fizzle like the ashes of their Swisher Sweets, Bill Walker, Brandon Rush, Michael Beasley, Wilson Chandler, Shawne Williams, Dorrell Wright, Zach Randolph, Joakim Noah, Vlad Radmanovic (DJ Vlad to you), Mario Chalmers, Brad Miller and Udonis Haslem have put down the leaf and papers for more ambitious aims. The NBA has a contentious relationship with these young men, but dreadful marijuana hasn't quite ended their careers...instead it's sent them on a meandering path to middle-dom. That said, not every player is suited for stardom, and it isn't far-fetched that yeoman icons like Haslem, Chandler and Noah might want to ease the enduring pain of a long season with a prayer circle and some lit incense. Although few players with known smoking patterns are enshrined in the Hall of Fame, the admitted potheads populate a list of Best Ever nominees, namely Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Bill Walton and Phil Jackson. They occupy a special wing of the Springfield Hall called How Harmful Can It Be, or the honorary Eastern Philosophy Wing.

Nevertheless, regular toking is not recommended for the professional athlete, much less the basketball superstar. Although the plays are simple, basketball requires a great memory, free from the fog of evening cartoon-watching. Practice starts bright and early with no special exception for the wake and bake rituals that may precede it (J.R., ahem). Recreational activities don't necessarily mix with professional obligations so I have gladly created an NBA Player to Puff Weed Intake chart. This is a guide for first-to-veteran year players who need moderation exemplified.