Inside the NBA Knick-Names Guard Jeremy Lin

Jeremy Lin is unprecedented. So a lot of stiff, uninspired, shiftless wordsmiths have been trying to apply our limited language to his seemingly limitless feats. Where two weeks ago, the Knicks were a listless squad, roaming the wilds of Herald Square in search of assist skeletons, the flesh of teamwork, Lin has suddenly transformed them into missionaries of Clyde-era fluidity, grooving and hugging their way to seven wins in nine games. But there's no nickname for He Who Uplifts the Masses. The Four Point Play got a rare invitation to join TNT's Inside the NBA cast for a live taping as they conferred a fitting alias on to, one, Jeremy.
As I approached their glowing quartz desktop, I spotted Ernie Johnson reviewing notes from a shot sheet filled with Andrew Weil quotations. He shuffled the papers in their anchor-ly order, before tapping the stack, looking over at Charles Barkley's donut-sugared paws, and wincing. Kenny Smith and Shaquille O'Neal were trying to see how many of their crumpled notes they could throw into a trash can at one time. Kenny set the bar with 3 in one shot, while Shaq struggled to locate the can itself. Some producer kept urging him to try it underhand, but to no avail. Jeremy Lin was in their green room, stage left, reading Augustine's Confessions by a lit candle that was draped in beads. I was stunned to see him, and dashed away though he was beckoning me thither, awash in luster.

charles barkley: Can the producers do a photoshop of Shaq eating my donuts?

shaquille o'neal: Do a photoshop of Charles with a championship ring first.

charles barkley: What is a Shazaam!? Can anybuddy answer that though?

shaquille o'neal: It's the sound a championship ring makes when you put it on. Oh wait --

kenny smith: You know Chuck auditioned to play Moesha's Dad, y'all. Shout-out to Fredro Starr, by the way. South Jamaica Queens stand up.

charles: That's why don't nobody tell you nothin' Kinny. I swear I'll never lose another bet to Michael Jordan. The man so creative about embarrassin' people.

kenny: (curious) And with his wardrobe I notice. Mike, put down the distressed denim...for mankind.

ernie johnson: All right gents, speaking of misplaced style, our good friend Shaquille is going to be hosting his new segment What's Shaq-enin' around the NBA?  And I am positively excited this is a thing we have to say now.

kenny: It's Shaq-tacular the ways his bosoms Shaq-tate.

charles: I may need lipo-Shaq-tion if I don't get these, uh uh, Shaq handles under control.

shaq: Ahem. I thought they canceled Chappelle's Show. But Tyrone Biggums and Ashy Larry over here got jokes. BUT! NOW! For the main attraction, the BIG SHOW, the NEW SHERIFF in town, the MOST DOMINANT CENTER OF ALL TIME presents --

charles: He mean he ate the most DOMINO's of all time. Wilt Chamberlain rolling over in his grave.

kenny: Hakeem Olajuwon is rolling over in his grave. What up, Dream? I see you baby.

shaq: THE MOST DOMINANT CENTER OF ALL TIME PRESENTS: WHAT'S SHAQ-ENIN? with our special guest, Jeremy Lin. How you doing J-Lin?

jeremy lin: Who am I? What kind of man am I? What evil have I not done? Or if there is evil that I have not done, what evil is there that I have not spoken? If there is any that I have not spoken, what evil is there that I have not willed to do?

shaq: You down to fight the battle of good versus evil? Okay, Young Szechuan. I feel your wisdom like howling wind against bamboo reed. You like that one? That's Shaq-Fu, the video game.

kenny: Jeremy, this is Kenny Smith. New York, the East Coast...the whole world is blowing you up right now. How does it feel to be the most popular man in basketball?

lin: ...since God is light and there is no darkness in Him (1 John 1:5), human beings are darkness while God is light. Human beings are liars; God is a truth-teller. When will human beings become truth-tellers? Approach him and you will be illuminated. (Psalm 34:6)

shaq: Hey Jeremy this is Shaq-Daddy a.k.a. the Big Haiku. I wrote one for you, to pay hummus to your incredible performance these last few weeks.

ernie: It never ends...

shaq: Jeremy slashes / his swinging swords break kneecaps / blaze to the basket. That's the off the top son. Can't touch me, I'm on fire.

lin: Can any praise be worthy of the Lord’s majesty?

kenny: Me and Chuck came up with a nickname for J-Lin...because he strikes fear in the hearts of defenders...he shall be called "The Tsunami."

ernie: I guess that would make Shaq the "Big Katrina" then?

(studio quiets suddenly)

charles: I think the folks down in the Gulf Coast would agree that was too soon, Ernie. Hey Jeremy, last time I went to China they tried to serve me live squid. What's that about? I ain't eatin' no squid claws. Das nasty.

kenny: The first time, as a matter of fact, that Chuck has ever turned down food.

lin: At this grief my heart was utterly darkened; and whatever I beheld was death. My native country was a torment to me, and my father`s house a strange unhappiness; and whatever I had shared with him, wanting him, became a distracting torture...

(broadcast cuts)

ernie: Tune in next week for the rest of our bizarre interview with the undefinable man, Jeremy Lin.

shaq: Or, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Jumper...

all: (groaning) Shaq. Maaaaaan. Come on.

shaquille o'neal: No?