Monday, October 22, 2012

NBA Preseason Predictions for the LOL In You

As a member of the basketball cognoscenti, and proud self-important fan, I use large chunks of my day to read articles about every storyline in the NBA. Most of it is fluff. So-and-so's baby moms is on Basketball Wives next season. What's-his-name put a booger in the Gatorade after practice. Star Player has a new skill to preview that's GOINGTOCHANGEHIZGAMESOMUCH OMG.

Sure, fine, the League changes in countless ways when no one's even playing. That's not even counting the trades, acquisitions, retirements. (Or in the Knicks case, the acquisition of retired players who are then traded.) In truth, the 2013 storylines were largely written when Miami won the championship, and everyone else ran to a silent corner to bereave the possibility of Other Champions once that group reached the top. But recently, the appearance of a story, the journalist's make-believe predictions of stories, and the plain absurdity of desired stories has replaced analysis entirely. The hoops world has split between the crude numbers people and the narrative-driven erstwhile fabulists. I count myself among the latter, though I have a closet existence as a stat junkie that only shows itself to women I date around November 1st. Hard to understand how a foggy-minded leaver of dishes can recite the 2002 NBA All-Defense 2nd Team without pause. Love you, babygirl. But don't you ever get caught sleeping on Eric Snow.

This year's browsing has produced some trite narratives worthy of repeating, if only to finally, and completely kill them dead. The authors of these stories will remain unnamed, but their premises shall be roundly ridiculed. And henceforth dismissed!

That's Just Silly: Predictions To Make You LOL
  1. Andrew Bynum Will Be Healthy

    Andrew Bynum may be the luckiest man to be born a giant in NBA history since Gheorghe Muresan (of My Giant fame). His career accomplishments include averaging 20 points and 10 rebounds for a week and then resting well until trophy time. He also makes funny comments to reporters whenever team chemistry is under scrutiny. Bravo, Andrew! If the first generation of black athletes were Million Dollar Slaves (© William Rhoden), this young man has been collecting reparations for eight plus years.

  2. Carmelo Anthony Will Play "Off The Ball"

    Meeeeeelooooooooo. Melo is so in love with the ball...
    How in love with the ball is he?
    Man, he so in love with the ball, he put a ring on it.
    Nah, no he didn't. Melo and the ball like Amos and Andy: inseparable. Like chocolate and peanut butter: better together. Like Kobe and Smush Parker: illogically linked 4EVER!!!!
    The day Carmelo Anthony gives up the ball is the day Mitt Romney releases his tax returns from the eighties. Namely, never.

  3. That Devastating, Career-Compromising Knee Injury...

    Hey, Brandon Roy. Ain't happening. Oh, also, Amar'e Stoudemire, if you have one knee this year, it'll be more than you've had for the last three seasons. My homey, D-Wade. What uuuuup? You been icing that thing with Gabby on the beaches of South? You and me both man. And I think we'll play about the same number of minutes in the Finals...if I'm keeping it absolutely 100 with you.

  4. Veteran Team? Championship Favorites!

    To quote my man Jaba, the Knicks assembled this roster using a DeLorean and an encrypted spell from the Dead Sea Scrolls. The Knick bench used to play pick-up games against the Mayans. Jason Kidd, Kurt Thomas, Marcus Camby and Pablo Prigioni have a combined light year of experience. Those dudes took their first free throws with Moses on the box score and Jesus boxing out. They put on reading glasses during game review, and fall asleep while driving. In other words, this is a league of twenty-year-olds, not twenty-year vets. That won't change just because Kurt Thomas can still fit his chicken-wing triceps into a jersey.

  5. Phil Jackson Will Flirt With Your Team

    So I heard, if you put together a squad with Kobe Bryant, Michael Jordan, LeBron James, Wilt Chamberlain and Oscar Robertson (and then raised another $20MM in capital) Phil Jackson maybemightalmostcould think about coaching it. That's just what I heard, though. #UnnamedSources.

  6. Kobe Bryant Will Play Nice

    So I heard, if you put together a team with the best Center in the L, and then outfitted it with a humble, experienced, pass-first Point Guard...
    Kobe still won't pass nobody the ball.
    Sure, Kobe's main drive, at this stage, is to use Lance Armstrong's blood boosters to get that elusive 6th (and eventually 7th) title. But that conveniently excludes the fact that Kobe would have had seven by now if he could've played with Shaq for the final years of his prime, valued Lamar Odom/Pau Gasol enough as a human to pass to him, and wasn't hell-bent on also winning the all-time scoring record and his place as the Greatest Of All Time. This is the same guy who, last summer, told some biddy camper at a hoops summer session, that he was already better than Jordan without the 6th title.
    To give you an idea of how delusional he is...

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