Wednesday, October 31, 2012

David Stern's Farewell Bucket List

From the desk of David Stern:

A lotta speculation on the moneys I've made/
Honeys I've slayed/
How is he fareal?/
Is that n*gga really paid?

They ask me if I'm the greatest pro sports commissioner of all time? And I ask them, is an elephant d*ck ashy? Is Oprah's fridge door open?

Getting to the point here, gentleman, I tend to think the question answers itself. What I learned in my years leading the NBA's rise to pre-eminent league in our country, and then around the globe, is that I'm undoubtedly one of the smartest men a person could meet.

Yes, it's true I inherited a league that would soon be flush with star athletes like the world hadn't known, but I don't see Jerry Rice owning an NFL franchise. Or A-Rod selling sneakers to the Chinese. I gave Michael, Magic and Larry the keys to secret passageways that two of them still haven't used. The other one cured himself of humanity's most sinister plague.

That might've scared them admittedly.

Honestly now that I've had my finger on the button, not too much excites me. I was thinking of acquiring a personal shuttle for Mars exploration, until I found out that Michael Bloomberg had built a shul over there.

Class act that he is.

So what does the Greatest Commissioner On Earth do for his retirement act? I've thought of joining the local Chess Social for their Saturday ice cream luncheon. Ambassador of International Athletics? Perhaps. Supreme Court Justice in 2015? One Scalia stroke away, is what I always say.

That even sounds good: "Justice. Stern."

My wife hired Dwight Howard and John Wall to "teach me how to Dougie". Whatever that means. I'm planning a visit to every continent because, mainly, I want to know if there is some lucky war-torn country looking for a certain white-haired despot to run the show. I specialize in Draconian law, the rich getting richer and stiff penalties for thugs. Call me, Libya.

And as my successor Adam Silver struggles to steady himself in the massive gloom that is my shadow, I believe the NBA will live on as one of the purest entertainment forms in the history of sport. We engineered the perfect slaves: lithe, agile genetic outliers. Sprinting down the court, smiles beaming, in gold chains!

Let no man deny that our industry shaped the great human experiment. The record shows a commitment to the excellence of superiority. An allegiance to the greatness of awesome. Or, in the immortal words of DJ Khaled, we da best.



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